Today I’m kind of sad and disgusted. I also realize that I’ve tried to maintain a beautiful image of a relation I’ve had, and that has no reason to be that beautiful.
I’ve always hoped to find someone who I could be very close to and able to count on. Someone I could share my deepest thoughts with, and with whom we would understand each other.
The “story”
I thought I had found this person, with a friend (a girl) whith whom we developped our relationship more and more and became very close. Up until a day where things became a bit more stormy. And instead of trying to understand each other with love and a real attention, the whole relationship just vaporized as if nothing never existed before!
For several months I haven’t really been able to believe that it was this person that I thought extremely kind. But I’ve also felt resentment arising in the background.
I’ve managed to reason myself in order to make do with this situation, and keep this beautiful image of our relationship… But today the anger and lack of respect for myself becomes too big, too disturbing.
The reality
I can now see that, by developping a beautiful image of our relationship, I overlooked certain aspects of her personality. As long as I wasn’t directly concerned, it was just less important. I could accept everything.
The problem is that every aspect that does exist, is bound to be directed towards you one day or another. And that’s what happened after a certain time.
Today I think it is a big mistake to look only at the parts you love in a person, and to overlook others. Even if I’m deeply convinced that it is much wiser and logical to be able to make do with every aspects of each person, it is very important to stay realistic too.
So I feel that this relation was far from being as beautiful as I thought, but I had made up a story that fitted my desire.
I just feel sad to see how difficult it is to have a real sane relationship. It feels so normal to me, but so unreal in front of others… I believe the need of problems to feed our ego, our stories, take the place of this kind of relationships… And I feel deeply sad and disappointed by that.
