I’ve heard Todd, a guy who coaches other guys in how to pick up girls, say something interesting. It was something like that: what attracts us in a romantic relationship is the fact of being with someone of “higher value” than we think we are.
I had come to a more or less similar conclusion: what attracts us is a trait of character (or several) that we value and that we feel we lack.
In other words, what attracts us is something that comes to complete us. That’s why we often talk of our “other half”.
From there I have two points to make.
- When we feel rejected by this person, it’s like this “high value” we perceive was rejecting us. That was probably already something we’ve been trying to live with, and make do with, feeling more or less worthless. And now that we found how to “gain” this value, it is clearly saying: “No! Not you, I don’t want you!”. And that’s extremely painful!
- When we bump into someone like that (in a way, when we fall in love…), that’s a clear signal that we have in front of us a value we consider highly and we feel we lack. That’s our chance to notice it fully, to gain awareness of this lack, and now to reach this point we want so badly! This aspect of our life we hadn’t yet adressed!
What I imply here is that instead of craving for an integral and exclusive relation with that person in order to fill this gap, we can (and should) change something in ourself so that we reach this value we’ve been missing!
You then change a relation where you quickly become dependent, for a place where you can improve yourself so that you are deeply who you really want to be!
Think about it… Isn’t that a better deal? Plus you totally control it!
