I have a problem with that idea of “being in love”. That’s very easy to realise there is a flaw in that so-called beautiful relationship! But what is the reality we don’t want to see?
Love vs being in love
You’ve already probably realized that when you genuinely love someone, all you want is them to be happy. You want only the best for them, even if that means seeing them not doing what you think is right. Even if you know they’re making mistakes, or taking the wrong path. Because you know that they need to feel free to experiment, and that they’ll have the resources to move on after that. Like parents would do with their children.
If you truly love a person, you GIVE love to this person. You let her/him know you’ll be there whenever they need it, no matter what happens. You take the needs of this person in consideration first. Don’t you? I’m sure that’s what you do too!
Now let’s have a closer look at our so-called “love relationships” with a partner. It is difficult to hide the fact that the first thing we’re looking for is love FROM the other person. We have plenty of love to give BUT in exchange we need the other to do the same! Isn’t that true? We are ok to be understanding and make sacrifices, BUT on condition that we get what we want in return. Is that love? Or NEED of love?
Now I would like to dive a little deeper in what’s really happening beneath the surface.
“Being in love” is source of fear
On the one hand we found a relationship that brings us a kind of completeness. We are more than happy and feel great whatsoever. As if we found all that was missing in our life! I know that, and you probably know that too.
On the other hand if we perceive any little threat to this beautiful relationship, we don’t just feel a little sorry. We feel suddenly deeply THREATENED!
What was a bliss turns savagely into a threat! Just on the idea that this relationship could change. But everything is changing in life, we know it, and that has no reason to be a threat. Plus we only want the best for a person we truly love. So what is there to fear?
Obviously we fear for the bliss we were living. Not only don’t we want it to disappear, but we also feel like we’ve been attacked and are undergoing the worst injustice.
The whole problem lies in this situation.
What is so unique when we are “in love”?
Why are we suddenly attracted in such a way that we feel we NEED to be loved by this particular person? Why couldn’t we just feel good to share love, without feeling threatened if this particular relationship should move on? What is so exceptional that we feel our whole life depends on it?
If we are comitted to looking at things clearly, we have to admit there is something very strange happening here!
I’ll start with an ideal situation. What would that look like?
I truly love someone. I offer lots of love to this person. I take this person into consideration in order to open up the best I can to him/her. I share things openly and truly. I give the best of myself, but always being careful to give things that are wanted by the other. If she/he is happy, so am I! Should this person want to refuse some things, or to share certain things but not with me, or even to move on and not extend this relationship, that’s fine! I give all my love, and I’m not worried. I also know that the world is full of people who I could share great things with too! The world is huge and I’m already very happy just with one person who I feel more connected to. Whatever happens, that’s already a great experience that I feel happy to be living!
Now that’s not what’s happening, although that seems more rational.
We perceive someting very special in the relationship when we are in love. Something we are absolutely sure we can’t find somewhere else. At least something rare enough that we don’t want to loose it.
But what we find is also extremely valuable! It bears such a value that our life is litteraly changed! We feel complete and new!
What is that? Love?
But we can find love in genuine friendship… Not at the same intensity? So maybe we don’t share enough love with the persons we truly enjoy!
There is more than that. We share things we wouldn’t necessarily share with others. But once again, don’t we have friends that are close enough that we can safely share all that we want? Maybe there is a gap here too.
But that’s not all! What else? This person makes us feel special. This person gives us love that we feel we were missing. Once again, I point out a lack of true and complete relationship with our friends and people that surround us.
But you know what? When we are in love, we are happy and we become much more able to open up to others. Then we share much more love with others. So in a way once we start to feel in love, that should start an upward spiral. Then even if this particular relationship ends, we would have opened up to more love in our life. However that’s not true, because if this relationship ends, we feel depressed right away, and everything disappears!
So what is so unique in this relationship?
I’m going to tell you what I think. It is just a beginning to a question we usually don’t want to ask ourselves, because we want to cling to this story that this person is the key to our happiness.
As I always point out, we live through emotions. And emotions are only stories from which we can feel the consequences in our body. I have a frightening strory, I feel all the symptoms of fear in my body, etc…
Our stories always point to lacks of something in ourself, in our life. We are always a victim of somehting. Of so many things in reality!!! Society, unfair rules, unfair people, unfair situations, difficult life, personal limitations, etc… We are not happy and it is not our fault!
Can you notice those kind of stories in your life? Don’t worry, we all live through some sort of stories! That’s just a fact, and everything starts here. EVERTHING!
Now guess what! If we are unhappy but there is little or even nothing we can do about it -or at least not directly- then we have to find a solution outside. The solution is necessarily external to us. And if you feel poor, missing love, and a victim, the solution is necessarily in someone who is able to fill the gap (or the gaps…). There is no other way!
So first thing, someone can “save” you. And when you find him/her, you want to keep it! The urge to keep it becomes more obvious and understandable now.
There is more to it. What makes us really feel something special about him/her? I believe the answer has all to do with our personal stories. This person answers a specific lack that we suffer from. I can see two different answers:
- This person gives us more esteem and love (and I think that’s always the case)
- This person completes ourself by exhibiting traits and skills that we feel we lack
There are maybe other things, but basically I think that’s the kind of answer we’re looking for. And those reasons have a huge value for us.
Now to be complete, we need to add a very important point. We feel we can’t do anything by ourlself and we need this person as we need fresh air to live! In other words we need to be convinced that we are limited enough so that we are worthless if we are on our own. We need to feel like a victim (to a certain extent) in order to feel threatened if we loose this love!
The ultimate flaw when we are “in love”
If you try to convince yourself that being in love doesn’t prevent to love and to give love, think about that.
Do you think the person you’re in love with is happy with a victim? With a person who feels limited and prone to feel depressed if not being taken care of…?
That’s quite the opposite! The other person is looking for someone strong and reliable. Someone who can overcome the little “threats” of life. Someone who is not dependant. Someone that she/he can be proud of and take as an example. Someone that she/he can rely on to continue to grow.
How to change that and only keep the best of being in love?
I’ve always thought that in order to have a sane and loving relationship, that relation should not be a condition to happiness.
So what does that imply? The most tricky part is to solve our deepest insecurities ourselves. I don’t mean that we have to stay alone for that, quite the opposite! But when we count on a specific person to “solve” our unhappiness, this is what is really happening.
We count on our partner to give us all the love we need. But we also want to be open and actually give love. Now we need to open up for that, to be truly ourself. And in a way we feel vulnerable…
Because if we have so much difficulties to find all those vital things in our life it is only because we don’t want to open to anybody. To nobody actually, not to that extent!
Why? Because it hurts… or at least it can hurt! We feel vulnerable. We give love but we can be rejected. We opened up but that was not well received. We had been truly ourself but we have been laughed at. Things like that must have already happened in our life. Probably when we were young. It doesn’t really matter actually, the point is that we have suffered from these kind of situations. And that’s why we need someone who we can open up with, without fear. Because that’s so good!!! And we almost need to hide to do that. To love in the secrecy of intimacy.
Why did that hurt? Why does that still hurt? Because in the end we don’t feel we deserve that love. We don’t feel good enough, or for whatever reason we don’t feel valuable enough.
Think of all the rules we have in our lives! We must work hard to succeed, we must be good at such and such, we must be honest, we must take into account others, follow all the rules of this world, even if they often prove to be very controversial…
First of all we accuse and make feel guilty anyone who annoys us, because they haven’t followed all those rules. We are always right when we want to find someone guilty. There are so many rules which have some kind of sense. The problem is that we treat and perceive ourself through the same rules… So we must feel very guilty for so many reasons, all day long. Now we have reasons to hesitate to open up. Now we can fear the consequences and feel we don’t deserve such beautiful things!
You want to change all that? Consider again what has really some value. I mean what are the most important values in your life, first and foremost. And let the others be legitimately less important and secondary. Open up to others and show them a bit more consideration. Then share all the love you NEED with others, no matter who or when or why.
Of course you’re still going to feel vulnerable and weak, in danger. But now you know what is real and what is just a memory from past experiences. What has real value what has not. What is a feeling, what is the truth. Not deserving to be ourself and to share love is not and has never been the truth!
You can change that!
The end – or the beginning!
In order to change all that, I suggest you check that video where I propose you in a very practical way how you can do : How to use your mind to change your life
Now you can start to be the enjoyable person who can truly love a partner, without fear of loss, without being threatened. Now you can truly SHARE love and only love with someone else!
Enjoy love!
